You’re more than just the cum in your ass
Story by: Damon Jacobs
Photography by: Illustrations by mattia_BAU_vegni
October 18, 2020
“I was placed on my knees in a row of naked guys, waiting to get fucked,” a client in his mid-40s said, describing a popular underground sex party in Brooklyn, New York. This was a regular event where bottoms knelt in a row to be used by a series of tops throughout the night. Raymond (not his real name) had been nervous about showing up to the event. He was just over the age limit of 40. He’d sent pictures of himself from 10 years before and lied that he was 31 years old. He didn’t know if the doorman would be able to tell he was a few years older—and a few pounds heavier—than he claimed.
Much to his relief, Raymond was warmly welcomed by the event promoters when he showed up. He was told to take off his clothes, and was then placed in a row with other submissives. His good feeling didn’t last long, though, as he looked at the other naked men. He feared he was older and less attractive than the rest of them, and worried that this would be obvious to the tops who would be entering him over the next couple of hours.
During that evening, Raymond recalled his hole being used many times, but he was distracted by what was happening around him. “I could tell guys were cumming in [the other guys],” he said. “They were getting filled up. I wasn’t. Guys said things like, ‘You’re so hot, you feel so good,’ but none would breed me. I left feeling ashamed and worthless. Why couldn’t I make them cum when the other guys could?”
Over the last 25 years, I’ve had the privilege of serving the gay community in New York as a sex-affirmative psychotherapist, one who believes in using science, mental health, and sexual pleasure as essential components of a meaningful life. PrEP empowers HIV-negative guys to take multiple loads of cum while nearly eliminating the possibility of becoming HIV-positive. U=U (Undetectable equals Untrasmittable) allows guys who are living with HIV to know it is medically impossible to transmit HIV to their fuck partners while they have a suppressed viral load. These biomedical innovations have allowed people to decouple fear from fucking, thereby enjoying a new wave of blissful liberation and euphoric fluid-bonding. But for many, this new chapter of sexual health has led to diminished self-esteem, increased anxiety, and loneliness.
“The problems begin when guys quantify affection and their self-worth based on how many cum loads they get.”
The problems begin when guys quantify affection and their self-worth based on how many cum loads they get. If you use the number of ejaculations as a barometer, then you are creating an opportunity for anxiety and insecurity, instead of just relaxing and connecting with other naked guys. You have the power to change this.
Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?
Most of us are conditioned to look outside ourselves for our self-worth. We often internalize ideas from a homophobic world: “You are different, you are inferior, you are unlovable.” We then go through life trying to compensate for these internalized beliefs by seeking validation from outside sources. We often try to be “the best” in competitions, work, and sexual situations. The underlying belief is that those who get enough sex, money, or power are lovable, valuable, and worthwhile.
This is a futile endeavor. Even if you get “enough,” your sense of wellness is still coming from someone else. You may feel validated for now, but what about tomorrow or next week? What about next year, next decade? What happens the next time you’re in a row of naked men? If your self-love comes from others, you leave yourself vulnerable to a lifetime of frustration, depression, and loneliness.
How Do We Just Have Fun?
We want to begin from a foundation of power and worth, knowing that our years on Earth, the hairs on our bodies, and the pounds we carry all contribute to making us into the beautiful and brilliant sexual creatures we are. I encourage the men I work with to begin their playtime remembering that they are inherently beautiful, valuable, worthwhile, and sexually desirable at all ages and sizes. This doesn’t mean that every man at a party is going to want to fill up their butts. Some men will want to ejaculate inside of them, and some won’t.
In order to enhance the quality and pleasure of sexual connections, one can practice a “giving” versus “getting” mentality. Personally, I like to approach group sex situations saying to myself, “I am here to extend fun and play, not to be needy and demanding.” We can enter play spaces thinking, “How can I be a presence of loving energy in this space?” When we act with the intention of pleasuring and pleasing ourselves and others, whether it’s through fucking, massaging, kissing, or simply giving a compliment, we are engaged in the practice of sharing empathy, kindness, and generosity.
Some think, “If I do that, I’ll never get what I want,” but the opposite is usually true. A giving state of sexual energy is something people want to reciprocate. A giving energy means you offer your ass, your body, and perhaps kisses and touches, to enhance the connectivity of an experience, not solely to get your hole filled.
“We often try to be ‘the best’ in competitions, work, and sexual situations.”
If you find yourself in a situation with someone where your requests to be fucked or to take his load aren’t being fulfilled, then you can respectfully move past holding him responsible for filling your hole and remind yourself, “I don’t need this person to breed me to know I am powerful, strong, and beautiful.” Yes, you may feel disappointed if you don’t get the cumloads you want, but you need neither judge your entire night, nor your self-worth, based on the ejaculations of others.
Ideals Into Practice
I had the opportunity to put these ideals into practice at Berlin’s LAB.ORATORY sex club. On a Saturday night in February I had been told the place would be packed. Although I consider myself a very sex-positive person, I get shy and insecure in group situations. I wasn’t sure what the energy would be or if anyone would be attracted to me, much less willing to fuck me or cum inside me.
So, I made this commitment to myself before I arrived: “No matter what happens or doesn’t happen there, you are a good person. You are attractive to some, and not to others. There are some guys who want to fuck you, and some who don’t. You will be an energetic match with some, while others won’t bother. That’s all okay. Just be a loving source of sexual energy, kindness, fun, and a generous spirit. Just be giving. At the end of the night, you are still going to be a valid, empowered being.”
I spent the first couple hours observing before touching and taking in the sights, smells, and energy. Because of my own insecurities and doubts, I was slightly intimidated by the gorgeous men who seemed more comfortable than I was, more confident than I was, hairier than I was, and more used to being naked in group spaces. I kept repeating to myself, “Just be kind. Just be loving.”
After a few hours, I had gotten more involved: I had rubbed some cocks while guys were getting fucked in slings, twisted some nipples while guys were getting blow jobs, and smiled at those who seemed friendly. It was going well. I felt generous, I felt giving. I wasn’t necessarily having my desires met, but I had already made an agreement with myself that it was okay for that not to happen.
I came across a gang bang on the bottom of a bunk bed that had been set up in a corner. I saw a young man get loaded several times, and thought I would give it a go. Topping in public (or private) is not always something I can accomplish, but something inside me said, “Get in line.” As I stood waiting, the hairy, naked man behind me started pressing his cock on the outside of my hole, pulling me close to him, and pushing his chest hair against my smooth back. Before I knew it, he’d pulled me out of line, pushed me down onto the mattress on the other side of the room, grabbed a handful of lube from the large canister on the floor, and started aggressively pounding my ass.
His thrusts were getting faster and his grunts deeper. Before long, he was screaming “I’m cumming!” as he deeply filled my guts with a huge load of his semen. That led me to cum instantly as well.
I left the club later feeling empowered and strong, not because I had a man’s seed buried deep inside me, but because I had decided I was going to feel empowered and strong before that happened. I had not allowed a man’s cum to determine my self-worth and value. I definitely could have chosen to feel diminished by the fact that no one else seemed interested in fucking me. But instead, I chose to stay with the decision I had made from the outset: I am good, men are beautiful, sex is healthy, touch is wonderful.
“A giving state of sexual energy is something people want to reciprocate.”
Translating these ideas into lived emotional experience takes time, patience, and practice. Like any muscle in your body, changing your thinking requires focus, attention, and consistency. There may be times when it seems impossible to feel good about yourself when no one is filling your hole. Talking with a therapist or healer in your community may be very useful in this process. I do promise that shifting from a “getting” mentality to a “giving” one will not only enable you to enjoy connecting with other guys, but it will also help you get more of the attention—and penetration—you seek. Loving yourself no matter what will allow others to love (and seed) you as well.
