What makes me “Daddy”?
Sit right here on my lap, and I’ll tell you.
Someone recently asked me what it means to be “dominant.” It’s been my experience that this question can either come from genuine curiosity, or it can be a trap. When the question comes from Drummer, I can reliably say it’s the former and not the latter. All the same, take what you are about to read as my own point of view, and not a statement of the “one true way” of leather.
For me, dominance as an expression of my sexuality is the consensual assertion of sexual control over someone who has a reciprocating assertion of submission as an expression of their sexuality. Think of it as a math equation: dominants have an inherent need to take control (receive service), and submissives have an inherent need to give up that control (give service). They both need each other for the equation to be balanced, and yes, I subscribe to the belief that both parties have equal value in the dynamic. The risky part is when a sub gives that control to someone who hasn’t earned it, or when a dominant tries to impose control on someone who is unwilling or unable to accept it. Dominants who demand service or deference from people who aren’t submissive (and, more importantly, not their submissive) can come across as assholes. Subs who offer their service to everyone without vetting or developing trust are often setting themselves up for failure and making themselves easy prey for abusers. Calling someone “Sir” doesn’t make you their sub, just like calling someone “boy” doesn’t make you their dominant.
Those unbalanced equations can lead to a lot of misconceptions, both in the vanilla world and among us players. The biggest misconception I’ve seen is that BDSM is equivalent to abuse, when the reality is the exact opposite. BDSM has brought me some of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. It requires a level of self-awareness, communication, and mutual respect that is sorely lacking in many vanilla relationships. My job as a Leather Daddy is building better boys. Specifically, that means facilitating, teaching, and encouraging subs to be the best possible version of themselves in the tradition of the leather subculture. The better the boy, the better their service to me and to themselves. Whether it’s giving them a daily routine to follow, or helping them learn a new skill, or showing them how to navigate deeper issues in their lives, my objective is always the boy’s improvement and the subsequent improvement of his service. One of the five core principles in my leather Family is to collar yourself first. It’s like putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others. No one can serve anyone else if they’re preoccupied with keeping their own shit together. My job as a Daddy is to help boys take care of themselves first so that they can offer better service to me or any other dominant.
One of the things I encounter most often in new subs is the fear of, or desire for, losing total control of themselves and their own individuality. I’ve had subs beg me for a 24/7 slave dynamic, and the reality is, for me, that isn’t sustainable. Granted, that may certainly be an option for some subs who have a deeper understanding of their kink and a strong dynamic with someone they trust, but that also requires an equivalent commitment by a dominant who is competent and capable of maintaining the lifestyle long term. As I said, the equation must be balanced. It’s a huge red flag when a sub comes to me with “no limits,” or immediately expects to be equivalent to existing members of my Family. New subs with little experience may also feel pressure to live up to an imagined standard, or to follow a set of protocols that they simply aren’t equipped to handle. When you (or your sub) are cooking dinner, you can always add more salt and see how it tastes. Too much all at once, and you fuck it up and have to start over. Giving new subs impossible tasks and expecting them to fail can seriously demoralize them and drive them away from their interest in BDSM. Part of my job is training my replacement, so I want to make sure I’m giving them my best since that’s what I expect in return.
I’ve also come to understand that my approach is becoming more and more rare in the scene. I’m intentionally avoiding the “C-word”—community—because it’s one of those red-button leather contest bingo words that I try not to use very often. I don’t believe that people who share a particular kink or fetish necessarily constitute a community, but I do think there are some commonalities that draw us together. I was initially trained as a submissive, and my entire BDSM and leather practice now is based on that training. That’s not to say it was my only influence, though. Like-minded groups will always tend to find things in common, compare notes, and find new ways of doing things. We either evolve or die. Leather and BDSM as a subset of the larger culture is always growing and changing along with the evolution of the culture. People of my generation came of age through the decimation of the generation before us, so there are fewer and fewer templates to follow. Going back to my five core principles, I also train my subs to be who they needed and pass on what I teach them. One of my responsibilities is to hopefully be that template for someone else so they can see they don’t have to be ashamed to express their own kinks, and pass that on to someone else.
So that’s part of what makes me Daddy. Feel free to come sit in my lap again sometime.
Author: Daddy Nathan
Photo Credit: Daddy Nathan