FOUR YEARS AGO, I wrote a piece for DRUMMER entitled “I’m Not Your Fuckin’ Fetish,” sharing my pov on what it can be like navigating the leather scene as a Black man. A lot’s changed since then. More still hasn’t.
The biggest change has been in that time, I fucked around…and got a boy. The irony isn’t lost that I’d written this piece about being profiled as a Master simply because I’m Black and a top, not but a few months before meeting him. Now, at the time I wasn’t interested in D/s. A failed attempt (read: trainwreck) at being someone’s Sir was still fresh in my mind and the reason I vowed never to do it again. In fairness, we were both to blame – he for being guilty of the same tropes I wrote about and myself for not recognizing my limitations. “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should” goes double when it comes to D/s. Having a dominant personality or even being an alpha doesn’t automatically make you a Dom (nor does having a submissive personality make you a de facto sub). But I was honored (read: flattered) to be asked, had the intention and skills (or so it seemed), and the rest was…well it ended pretty badly.
I make plans – the Universe laughs. That summer of 2020 the world caught Covid and I caught a boy. It happened innocently and casually, both of us meeting in a room for sober fetish folk. With physical spaces inaccessible, Zoom filled the void and bridged gaps. We got to know each other over the next couple of months with zero agenda or intention beyond sober friendship – naturally when he offered to get lunch during a visit to the city that fall, I accepted. Time came and we met as promised, planning to meet for a friendly bite, nothing more. During that lunch though, something changed – the energy shifted. Looking back on it afterward we agreed our inner natures were finding each other without even trying – his submissive one reacting and connecting to my alpha wolf energy. Not wanting to end it there, plans were made to meet up later for drinks with him and his then-partner, which we did, the three of us talking for hours. And while at the time I could’ve happily connected with both, it was he and I who did later the next day.
And then it all changed for real.
Sometimes play is just play, a scene’s just a scene. But other times it can be more – especially in D/s, because of the levels of depth involved, inherently there’s power and serious energy. Less esoterically put, his submissive side pulled my alpha way out to the forefront. In general I’m not a Dom who has to say/prove it all the time – I am what I am, without consideration or need for outside qualification. I don’t go throwing my dick around – I simply wear a mustard hanky in my back left.
Now, we could’ve chalked it up as just a superhot play session with intense connection and off-the-chart chemistry (especially when his partner came back to the hotel room and later joined in). Theory was put to test when he decided to come back to town not 3 days later – solo – and we met up again…
It wasn’t a fluke. It wasn’t just play. It was something else – something that still hadn’t crossed my mind until he asked, right before I was about to leave:
“So am I your boy?”
In the moment, I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.
Of course I did think about it after. I’m not a man who likes to make the same mistake twice, so I had to be sure this wasn’t gonna be another “lamé hanky” situation. And most importantly, I needed to talk to my husband. Especially as one who’s not in the fetish scene, making sure he’s good with anything I do in it is my only priority and ultimate deciding factor. With his blessing, the journey continued.
….
Every D/s dynamic is unique to the two (or more) men in it. Universal are the classic archetypes: Master/slave, Sir/boy, Daddy/boy. The first is pretty self-explanatory regarding the nature and level of dominance and submission. The latter two not always, particularly because they both have ‘boy’ for their submissive. The differences lie in their individual natures. In leather, often the path to becoming a Sir was via tutelage and that tutelage came from being in service to a Sir. During that time with him you’d learn all there was to being a leatherman as well as a dominant. Sirs – with some exceptions – weren’t born, they were made. Now, not to say that’s the progression of every dynamic – sometimes a boy just wants to be a boy and with that, it’s essentially a service-based dynamic (albeit with freedoms not afforded the penultimate service-based dynamic, M/s).
The Daddy/boy dynamic is mostly known for being one based on age difference and economic status – more secure older men looking after (much) younger, less-established ones. Leather sugar daddies if you will. Though financial support isn’t always present, and then it’s really just about the age differential (and yes, it can get…”familial”). But now going back to my earlier statement re: the uniqueness of every dynamic, it bears asking: what happens when the Daddy is neither older nor richer?
Answer: The thought never crossed my mind. Because, ironically enough, I was neither the older nor the more well-off one, it forced us to get into the fundamentals of what it was to be a Daddy and a boy. It took us beyond roleplay into deeper meaning. Beginning with the energy shift during our first lunch, we learned very quickly that who we were in our dynamic had more to do with our identities, rather than ‘desired roles’. This made things more visceral, more real, taking us out of the realm of fantasy.
Instrumental in clarifying, defining, and protecting our dynamic was the institution of protocols. Protocols are many things, not the least of which is a guideline and roadmap to ‘what is and isn’t’ – they’re not just simply rules and regulations. Protection, especially being the most important for me, as those boundaries keep the lines from getting blurred – particularly when more and more time is spent together. The hallmark of a dynamic is the inequality of power – that’s where the balance lies. The more the scales even out, the closer it becomes to being an (intimate) relationship. And while that tends to be the trajectory of many dynamics where the men inch closer to partners, it can potentially be the death knell for whatever it was it started out as. Not saying it’s been easy, because human nature is human nature, but staunchly enforcing protocol has been the key to keeping things intact, unique, special, and, most importantly, strong.
So then, if I’m not your fucking fetish – or your Master – but instead your Daddy, what am I?
Being a Daddy at the root is about care and protection. My main directive is to provide the kind of guidance he needs as a submissive, but in a way that’s more nurturing than that of a Sir. My dominance is inherent, not at the forefront, per se, like a Sir or Master. While it’s easier to do when someone’s older-and-wiser, what makes it organic for me is my combined natures of both wolf and alpha. The latter doesn’t need to impose dominance, it’s both a given and the natural order of things. And wolves…our code is akin to that of the animal itself – protect the pack, lead, teach (among other things). It was a natural and obvious fit. Just the same, success in being a Daddy’s boy involves understanding your nature as well – you should be someone who seeks that type of dynamic. Yes, the submission and service is there, but it’s also about where you derive your joy and reward. To quote my boy, the difference being “[being a boy] to a Sir it is all service, your entire purpose is just that and your reward is from that. For a [Daddy’s] boy you’re getting joy from service but also you get taken care of, it’s more symbiotic I think.”
Like I said, how you choose to do D/s is entirely between the men involved. Much has been written in the way of handbooks, oral history, and traditions taught, but it always comes down to the uniqueness of each connection. The main takeaway of my experience is that D/s isn’t just role-based but nature-based, opening more men up to the possibilities of who and what they are (or could be). There’s a freedom in that, especially as more and more of us find our way into the scene, looking for places to fit in. As well, it does a hell of a good job busting down the gatekeeping that can often be present, especially for younger guys and men of Color. Specifically as a result of this freedom, I’ve learned and grown so much. I discovered I have a natural affinity for and intrinsic understanding of D/s in a way most don’t. I love dialoguing with others – subs, Doms and normies alike – and my boy is always prodding me to write and teach, which I definitely will do. At the core of Leather was always mentorship, both spoken and unspoken – the ones who’ve done, teach those who want to do. Mind you, no one taught me to be a Dom – a rare exception to the ‘made, not born’ rule – but I’ve definitely used lessons learned from others I admired – and were even mentored by – on how to navigate the fetish scene with respect – always for self and especially for others.
Author: Darkqwolf
Photo Credit: Matt Spike