In my late 40s I became single after a long-term (vanilla) relationship had ended. I made a conscious decision then to dive into my kinky side and start living out the many fantasies that had been racing around my brain for all of my adult life. It was my very good fortune to be living in Amsterdam at the time. Delving into the leather scene there and in Berlin exposed me to perhaps the most active and intense kink community on earth. Pretty quickly I met dominant men, discovering a visceral, immediate attraction; being around them generated automatic submissive responses. This was – at the time – a surprise; I hadn’t imagined that I was particularly submissive or dominant, just sexually open-minded and experimental.
I’ll never forget my first full-on scene, which happened by accident, at Lab in Berlin.
A Dom came up behind me and simply put his hand gently on the back of my neck. Nothing more –– but instantly an explosion went off in my head like an orgasm, it was so intense. The only thing I could think was that I needed to do whatever this man wanted and I just knew I could trust that it was safe to do so. I was right on both counts. For the rest of the night he had me do whatever he wanted which turned out to be pretty much everything you can do in Lab with another man. Is there any other gay space in the world with so many sexual possibilities? From my first watersports encounter to fisting and even my first time with corporal punishment as he had a flogger with him!
I woke up in the morning and the experience of the night before connected with so many other fantasies and feelings going back years. I knew I had opened Pandora’s Box and that I couldn’t and didn’t want to close it. I also knew with absolute certainty not only that I wanted to do all those physical things again, I wanted and needed that submissive feeling. It was like a part of me that had always been asleep had finally woken up with no desire to go back to sleep again! I hadn’t any idea where these feelings and needs were going to be met or how, but I had faith that I would figure it out. A short seven years later, being a sub has completely transformed my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people in these years. I’ve also met many subs like myself who came to this life as mature men, with whom there were commonalities of experience.
But I worried that I would have challenges finding Doms who were interested in an older sub. I had this idea that older men are the daddies and sirs, and younger ones the subs. Thankfully I have not found this to be true at all –– in my experience there’s no real correlation between age and which side of the slash you fall on (slash referring to the ‘/’ in ‘D/s’). I found my Daddy, Darkqwolf, just over four years ago in the depths of the pandemic. Our dynamic has proven to be one of the most profound and deeply meaningful connections with another person I’ve ever experienced. A big part of that is because being in a healthy D/s dynamic means you have a powerful symbiosis––the nature of each fits together perfectly, so you experience something many are unable to find in most other types of interpersonal relationships. It isn’t better than any other type of connection mind you, but it is different and profoundly wonderful.
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I’ve observed there are some differences for those of us who are middle-aged and older, vs younger men. At the outset, I want to be clear that these are generalisations and as always, applying generalisations to individuals is both foolish and unfair (not to mention prejudicial) – so please read what follows in that spirit. Here are a few I’ve personally found to be valid.
For all ages, full-time D/s dynamics only work if there’s absolute trust between the sub and the Dom. That takes emotional maturity and also the willingness to take emotional risks, letting each other see sides of you few other people in your life get to see – maybe nobody else at all. Each one of those things is generally easier to do when you’re older, as you have built up many years of experience in how to relate to others in sexual and emotional relationships. When I was younger, I wasn’t able to completely and totally trust anyone – that took years to develop. I could not have handled a full time D/s dynamic in my twenties or really until my late thirties. It has and continues to stretch me to this day (and I hope that never changes). Building and maintaining that connection, like any other deep relationship between two people, requires a lot of time as well as emotional and psychological commitment – no matter how old you are. Age simply dictates how well you’re able to do it.
Having a full-time D/s dynamic also requires you to learn how to balance your time so all the other relationships in your life have what they need to remain healthy and develop. This is particularly true if you have a primary romantic relationship. My experience is that maintaining personal relationships when I was younger was less complicated – I expected less of others and they expected less of me. However as I got older the bar got higher, and the quality of the relationships grew and deepened.
Switching and/or maintaining a submissive headspace can be a particular challenge for older subs. It’s generally true that when you’re younger, your job responsibilities are less onerous. Later-in-life careers may have advanced to the point where you can have a lot of responsibility and seniority. They don’t usually tend to involve submissiveness, but much more of the opposite – especially if, like me, you are managing other people below you. Gratefully, my D/s dynamic is embedded throughout my day (there are check-ins at work, plus requests from my daddy to fulfill). But here’s where switching gears between submissiveness and my ‘alpha’ career persona has been very challenging at times, as often it has to be done from one moment to the next. It can also create real problems (and at times regrettably has), as no Dom wants his sub to start acting like an alpha at any point. All that said, it’s really hot finding new ways to extend our dynamic throughout my working day. I’m sure there are subs who can switch gears easily, but I’m not one of them – if you are, I’d love to hear from you!
There are other hidden minefields that pop up which older subs have to navigate, the obvious being around physical capability. For example, D/s events generally take place at night, many late and into the morning. Most people I’ve met over 50 find staying up all hours difficult to do, let alone doing intense activities at the same time. Kinky sex is terrific but much of it is physically demanding! Also taxing can be other aspects of being in service, such as carrying bags – or the impact of prior medical procedures. Knee replacements don’t tend to lend well to long hours on your feet or extended wear of heavy boots, for example. But this all goes without saying – it’s common for everyone that as we age, our bodies can’t recover or do what it once could in our youth. Managing rest and especially healthy sleep can be another byproduct of that youth passed. When my daddy and I are away at an event week or long weekend, I have duties that require me to wake up before he does. It’s one thing to be sleep-deprived in your 20s because you’ve been out all night partying; it’s a whole other animal in your 50s or 60s when you’re doing that, and often several days in a row. It’s sometimes hard work, but believe me worth it a thousand times over! (Though I do end the trip pretty sleep deprived…)
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I think that being a good submissive is like being a good friend or lover – you’re always learning how to do it better, and most things do in fact get better with age. Having an open mind and an experimental nature count for a lot – all things we gain over the years of our lives. D/s dynamics are not something that society encourages or understands; those of us engaged in this life mostly have to rely upon each other. It can be lonely at times, especially if you are looking for a connection that lasts longer than scenes. Sadly, there aren’t that many opportunities for us to meet and learn from one another. That’s a shame – and a subject to explore further (hopefully in Drummer’s pages). Thankfully, it doesn’t detract from the fact that in the end, subs of all ages have more in common than there are differences––whether age-related or otherwise. What matters most is the sum of our experiences––good and bad, younger and older––is what makes the journey that much richer and rewarding.
Boy Nick can be reached on Recon @BoyNikko.
Author: Boy Nikko
Photo Credit: Chris Green; Author’s Own