So I wanted to come at this from a different perspective. We’ve seen things where people talk about being a Daddy or a dom from their own POV –– but what about through the eyes of a boy or a sub?
BOY…
Yeah I’m feeling you.
DADDY…
Right off the bat for you, what makes a Daddy?
BOY…
There’s so many ways that people connect with what a dominant means, what a submissive means, and vice versa. What everybody’s gonna want out of, or expect, or need from either party is gonna vary. As much as ‘Daddy’ may be a certain age bracket, it really is about the energy and the energy of someone’s spirit. Daddy is a nurturer, he’s a provider, he’s a protector. A Daddy is emotionally available. I think the difference between a ‘Sir’[and a Daddy], or my experience is, my dominant’s always going to care for me but there’s something that’s warmer energetically about a Daddy than it is [with] a Sir. Now Daddy can do whatever he wants BDSM-wise. But what’s really special about the Daddy is the nurturing, the caring, the concern…as well as tapping into the dominant role.
DADDY…
What makes a good one and what makes a bad one?
BOY…
I think a good Daddy is someone who’s attentive, someone who can make space and time for their boy. And able to adapt their “daddiness” to that specific boy rather than sort of being like, ‘I’m a Daddy and this is my Daddy-ism on every boy – everybody’s the same’. I think that what makes a bad Daddy is someone who lacks the ability to care and look after their boy. Or a Daddy who doesn’t know what qualities he possesses––what are you, what are you bringing to the table as a Daddy? A bad Daddy is someone who just wants the title; wears the hanky and calls themselves that––being a Daddy from an external place rather than an internal place.
DADDY…
That launches me into the question of ‘dream Daddy’ versus ‘devil Daddy’– and not the fun kind. Specifically with ‘devil Daddy’ what are the red flags for you?
BOY…
Someone who automatically is going to take claim. Someone who automatically projects that onto me– ‘I’m a Daddy and you’re going to be the boy’. You haven’t taken the time to know me, to understand what makes me special as a boy. For me a devil Daddy is a Daddy who has like, 50,000 boys. So everybody gets you – no one’s special – you’re just slinging the Daddyism to any and everybody? Because as a submissive, as a vanilla slut I’ll suck anybody’s dick. I’ll fuck…you know what I mean? But I will not submit to everybody.
If I’m submitting to you that says a lot about you. So a “dream Daddy,” just because of the nature of who I am, has empathy, compassion. Someone who’s loyal, someone who’s trustworthy. A man of his word –– where his words and his actions are aligned. Someone who has integrity. Empathetic…compassionate…can see me for who I am. Someone who is open, receptive, but who also is, like, an emperor, is the leader –– the protector, the provider, the nurturer. Someone who I would submit to. If you’re able to bring that aspect to the scene or to the connection or relationship, then we’re probably going to be able to go really far in our play. I also think it’s someone who’s engaged and active in their community. Someone who’s not going to the bar and just taking from the community. Someone who’s making it better and sustainable in whatever way that is to them.
DADDY…
Something I ask my boy all the time––particularly when he’s going through stuff––“what do you need?” What do you need from your Daddy?
BOY…
I need someone who’s going to have care and concern for me –– who is going to ask that [very] question. Sometimes it’s easy for dominants to be like ‘it’s about me, all the time, and you always have to come and bow to me…you should be asking me how I’m doing all the time’…and sure, right? But at the same time, there’s something where I feel like a Daddy especially has the ability to tap into that part of himself as the nurturer and the caregiver to be like, ‘how is my boy doing’, you know? Can your ego shift?
DADDY…
On the flip side of that question, what do you not need? What doesn’t work for you as a boy?
BOY…
When we’re together, we’re together. It isn’t about you not being on your phone, or you talking about X, Y, and Z. Also stability and groundedness. I like protocols because I like being able to do something to the best of my abilities and to please the dominant. Structure is also really important. Structure and stability and order builds routine. I can feel like I know what I’m in, and what I’m progressing towards.
DADDY…
When you finally realized your ID as a boy, what attracted you to daddies as opposed to the other categories of dominants?
BOY…
When I worked in therapy, my therapist was a self-identified kinkster. Essentially, what we did was he [would] just sort of asked me questions. When I worked with one of my great mentors, we would meet once a month for probably, like, four months and he would give me questions to answer – and I was able to ask him questions. It really was about finding out who I was –– what were my assets as a boy? What were my needs? What were my goals? And then that helped me sort of find that. A lot of those questions that they asked me I bring to the people who take my Boys 101 workshop (at events like CLAW and LA Getaway).
The master–slave dynamic racially just doesn’t resonate––and that’s okay. And I think if that were the case, in that mindset of that dynamic I would really need to trust the person that would be my dominant –– I would be sort of completely giving them full control over everything. However that’s not the dynamic that I’m looking for. I’m looking for something where there’s a power exchange.
I [once] had my Sir––we met on Recon, then met to go to dinner. I asked him about his leather journey and then that connection started there. But I think my experience with Sir/boy in that regard was, it was just scenes. We did scenes like maybe three to four times a year. Our communication [was] Recon-based –– like once every two months we’d maybe say something to do a check-in. But the purpose of that was just to do scenes. It wasn’t to have a relationship.
I ended up meeting and exploring and playing with another sober leather Daddy. It just felt right, it felt safe, it felt like there was a flow to it. It didn’t feel like he was performing being a dominant, it was just like no, he is a dominant. But also there was sort of warmer…more openness to how he connected with his dominance.
With [my] Daddy, there was an organic connection that we had. We met at MAL (Mid-Atlantic Leather) just going to meetings. I didn’t meet him on Recon, didn’t meet him on an app. I had no idea that he was even into me until the last day. We’d spent three days together going to two meetings a day, hanging out with the rest of the sober [kink] community in the lobby. I felt that there was something innately sort of connected between the two of us and it built over time.
DADDY…
Which do you prefer- scenes or an ongoing dynamic/relationship?
BOY…
Because I am solo/poly and single there’s a lot of space/room that BDSM and Dom/sub exploration can take up in my life. I can live it 24/7. Not too many people in the community have that amount of space to explore that for themselves. People may live in geographically different locations. People have jobs or people have partners – whether they be sort of romantic partners/ primary partners and relationships. For me, I do prefer a committed 24/7 D/s relationship. I don’t really like hopping from dominant to dominant. I would say first and foremost, if I was able to snap my fingers and have it right away I’d be in a 24/7 D/s relationship with the Daddy…and then, be able to do scenes with (depending on their skill set) a Sir. And that’s what I do [now]––I go to Delta, I go to my home club Discipline Corps (we have a run in March), and I was [recently] at Inferno. IML and MAL, they’re more social. BDSM runs are where I’m able to have connections and it’s just solely BDSM play. Even at those I may do like four scenes over the course of the weekend but I’ve played with these people [before]. But yes, for me, I would definitely love a 24/7 Dom-sub/Daddy-boy/Daddy-son relationship, yeah.
DADDY…
Super important: how do you negotiate and ensure safety?
BOY…
We’ve always had a safe word in place. We have a color system that’s been established from day one of our play. There was one time where I did have to call a safe word. We stopped and talked – the scene was over and we just held each other and came down together and he apologized. We never had to go there again. But I think as much as it is about physical safety, I think psychological and emotional safety is also super important. I think a lot of people think that what we are doing involves a lot of physical risk, right? Pressure points being cut off. You could cut someone. You could burn someone. There’s an element of like physical flesh that’s at risk, but people don’t really want to talk about the emotional and psychological harm that can be done if you’re playing in certain areas that already have trauma connected to them.
DADDY…
What’s the most important thing for a Daddy to know and hold above all else? What’s your cardinal rule?
BOY…
To always, always keep the boy safe––emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Even when you want to pop off or if your life is in a space where you can’t adhere to the boy, don’t ignore the boy. Think about the boy and say ‘actually, I have a lot going on and right now I just need a little bit of time. I’m not ignoring you. I’m not neglecting you. I’m not pushing you away’.
So I switch. There was one time with this sub, he wasn’t adhering to protocols…meeting with other doms behind my back. I got pissed when I found [out] all of this was happening and I was new. I made him come over to my apartment and we were “going to talk.” I put the collar on him, made him sit on the couch and I was like, “you need to be fucking honest” then flogged him after. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have taken a step back, say, ‘Hey, let’s meet in the park’. Now I can sort of say ‘I’m upset because of XYZ and I don’t think that this should continue. You have not earned my trust. You have not earned my dominance. You have violated anything that would allow me to continue a relationship with you because of XYZ’. And that would have been it. In that regard, what I found was that I did not, even in my frustration, keep the submissive safe and I always wished that in the moment I did. I wish that I would have gone to the park. I still could have reprimanded him, but in a way that was still keeping him safe rather than sort of letting that flogger become…what it became. I think Daddy should always keep their boys safe.
DADDY…
So last but not least, and obviously the most important thing. What’s your favorite thing to do with your Daddy?
BOY…
Favorite thing to do, as I like to call it, is “pacifier time.”
DADDY…
Do you do that too?! Okay go!
BOY…
Just put his dick in my mouth and sleep…or treat it like it’s a bottle… That’s like my favorite thing. Cause also I engage in age play. So there’s like a perv taboo thing that I get into. He could be just on the couch or in bed. He could be asleep. I don’t care. That, and spanking. Daddy is very much into bare hand spanking. He doesn’t like implements when it comes to impact play, he doesn’t like a paddle. Doesn’t like a belt. He just likes his hand.
––––––––
boy Donald is a full member of Discipline Corps and self-identified leather boy, passionate about community building and helping other subs find their authentic selves. A recent artist in residence at the Tom of Finland Foundation, his film, simply titled boys, has been making the rounds at various film festivals to great acclaim. In addition to creating artwork that explores leather identity and expression, he’s had the pleasure of being a kink educator at Claw 2023, Virtual Claw 2023, and LA Getaway 2023.
Author: Darkqwolf
Photo Credit: Benjamin Fredrickson