I. The Only Gay In The Village.
Right now I’m living in a little bitty bumfuck town called Winters, Texas. Probably I think there’s less than 2,000 people that live in this town? Middle of nowhere. Originally from Odessa, Texas which is oilfield country, then moved here… We’ve been living in this house something like two years now. I had moved originally from Odessa to a town called San Angelo. It was meant to be a stepping stone to moving to a bigger city because living in Odessa, if you’re not working in the oil field, it’s damn near impossible to make a living. So I moved to San Angelo cuz it was halfway to San Antonio where my goal was, but it was cheaper to live in San Angelo. My plan was to live there for a year and then move to San Antonio. That did not happen. 2020 ended up happening and it kind of threw the whole world into disarray. Me and my partner started dating and life continued to do what life does. He’s originally from Winters. So when life got ahead of us, we had a long sit down conversation about moving back to Winters, which was not on my bingo card at all. That’s what we’ve been doing for the last two, three years now. Just trying to stay alive, trying to survive.
It is hard being a member of the queer community. The closest would be in San Antonio, Austin, or Dallas. We live 3 hours from really anywhere that has a queer community so it’s a bit of a struggle. The only thing that we really have around here is, every once in a blue moon a straight bar will let the local drag queens—which they themselves are a very small community—host a show. If it’s going good, if it’s turning a profit and people are coming out then most of the time it’s maybe every quarter. That’s usually in San Angelo, which is a good 45 minutes from where I currently live. It’s very small – those of us who are out in the queer community, we all know [that] most of us have fucked each other. It’s a very, very small bubble. In this town I don’t think there’s anybody else – we’re definitely the only gay couple.
II. First Encounters – Fetish.
I don’t really know where it really started … trying to think back … what was my first introduction to this world? I’m sure I saw something maybe growing up on TV, or in a movie or something. I grew up the weird theater gay kid. While everybody else was listening to Nicki Minaj and whatever was on Pop 40 radio, I was over in the corner with my headphones in and it was disco and show tunes. I was as subtle as a shotgun in the face. For anybody that did not know that I was gay…a little white skinny twink with blue hair listening to Judy Garland and the Village People and Elton John. Being the weird artsy theater kid I was really fascinated by Studio 54 and the whole art scene of New York in the 70s and 80s – the Andy Warhols, the Keith Harings… When I really started diving into that world, somebody you can’t leave out because he had such a major influence is Robert Mapplethorpe. He is a god in this world. I think one of the first images that I ever saw of his was the photo in the business suit [Ed: Man In A Polyester Suit.] It’s such an iconic photo and I was like, “Wow.” This was after I discovered photography – cuz I fell in love with photography in high school. But I thought I was wanting to go in the more high editorial – fancy photoshopping and crazy lights and costume and hair and makeup budgets out the fucking wazoo. Then when I discovered Robert I was like, ” so there is a way to make this glamorous, but it’s so simple.” It’s a trick of the lighting and it’s black and white, which I fell in love with. That’s how I learned photography–black and white film, 35mm, in the dark room in high school. So, I learned how to do all of that. It’s a pain in the fucking ass to do, but once you get your results perfect, it’s the most satisfying thing in the world. When I discovered Robert Mapplethorpe, I was like, “Oh, wow.” He has such a unique ability where he can photograph a flower or a celebrity…or…someone with a fist up their ass. I think that was probably the light switch moment. I was really really heavily inspired by that.
III. First Encounters – Photography.
I grew up a Southern Baptist kid. When I was 12 or 13, the church that my parents went to, took the youth group kids on a mission trip to Mexico. We helped paint a church and we did like a vacation bible school for the local neighborhood kids. We painted this church a godawful Pepto Bismol pink. I remember my mother went with us and she brought her camera. I realized the camera just sat there – she wasn’t doing anything with it. Me being the bold child that I was, just picked up the camera and started just clicking pictures of people—the local people in the town and my peers as they were fucking around and painting the church and doing whatever. I realized that there was stuff going on and nobody was capturing it. For me as a teenager to go to another country even though what we were doing was probably not the most glamorous it was kind of like, I want to remember this moment. So that’s really where it started. A couple of months later my family took a vacation to Yellowstone. We all packed up in the car, drove from Texas to Yellowstone Lake, Wyoming. The same thing happened – everyone’s watching the geysers go off and the buffalo…and no one’s taking pictures. No one’s saving this moment. So that’s when it really, really started and then it just exploded from there.
We very rarely get snow in Texas. One year we got a little bit of a snow flurry. I remember my parents had a pomegranate plant in their front yard. I went outside to take pictures of the snow – I wish I still had this picture…I’m sure my mother has it somewhere saved. The snow had fallen and was sitting on top of the pomegranate fruit in the tree. So it was just this cool contrast of the white on top of the red. My dad came home and he was like ‘Wow this is really, really good’. That was when the whole ‘Maybe we need to put him in classes. Is this something you like to do?…’ – I was like ‘yeah this is fun’. I was such a fucking sporadic kid. I have so many broad interests – it’s almost like I have attention deficit disorder. It was very hard to find something that I could glue onto cuz it was like I would try something – a little bit of this, a little bit of this – and nothing really stuck until I found the camera. My camera goes with me everywhere I go. Whether or not I actually end up taking pictures, it goes with me. It is my right hand.
IV. First Encounters – Men.
I always kind of knew I was gay and I’ll be completely transparent– I started puberty really, really early–more than most of my peers did. Most boys start, 11/12/13 years old. I was starting at 9/10/11. So I was a good two or three years ahead of the rest of my male peers. The whole sexuality aspect of me coming into my own…growing up, women were never a thing for me. Pussy was not my thing. When I started going through puberty…I was able to have a full erection and ejaculate at 11 years old. My first time I was 13. The best part was he was the son of the preacher at my parents’ church. The first time we fucked around was underneath the baptistry. So underneath the big tub of water where they baptize you. Yeah there’s a penthouse suite in hell with my name in gold… Growing up a Southern Baptist conservative [the] whole mentality is as long as we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist. Living in Texas sex education is not a thing. What little information I could get was from a straight perspective. My parents didn’t even give me the whole birds and the bees talks. My “talk” was, my mother went to the library and checked out a children’s version of “what to expect when you’re expecting” … I’m like, this is not relevant to me. Granted, I didn’t ever say anything because it was weird to talk to your parents about sex. It was a whole thing. When I finally started to come into my own more, around 16-17, I don’t think there was ever an ‘aha moment’ – it was just more of sitting there in my room thinking and trying to wrap my brain around just growing up in general. I kind of figured it out on my own. I was one of the only three out gay kids in high school. There was not a lot of other people to look to get reference from or to ask advice from – it was a lot of just self-discovery. Almost 15 years ago there was a gay club in Odessa where I grew up. There was one–and it closed shortly after I graduated high school. I wasn’t even 21 when the fucking bar closed. But I remember turning 18 and a bunch of my friends were like, ‘we’re 18 Let’s go out dancing.’ “Sure, why the fuck not?” I got into the gay club and it was just like…the curtains were opened, the lights were turned on—there was something almost familial about it…familiar…I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. That’s when I met the other gay people of West Texas where I was like, “Okay, I’m not the only one that’s probably ever felt this way. There are other people like me, so I don’t have to feel so alone.”
V. Boys On Film.
I always have my camera around with me. When I came out the closet at 17 my parents kicked me out. They told me ‘if you’re going to choose to live that lifestyle, you’re no longer welcome here’. So, I ended up kind of like, couchsurfing for a little while then I met this guy who was down in Odessa for work. We were dating for a little while and I ended up staying with him. I remember one night he’s like, “You’re fucking miserable here.” And I’m like, “Yeah.” He was from Indiana – lived outside of Indianapolis. “I’ll make you a deal– move up north with me. It’ll give you a fresh start. Wash your hands of everything here.” “Sure, why the fuck not?” I was like 19. So I took a leap of faith and that’s when my whole gay horizons expanded even more. I was meeting a whole new group of people in an area that surprisingly had, as conservative as Indiana and Ohio area is, a lot more “out.” They have pride festivals. There’s a lot more bars. Everything that I knew before was, the gay club was only open Friday, Saturday night kind of thing—they were open all week long. I was meeting all these people and making all these new friends. The one moment that I think really stood out [was] when I started focusing on men. There was one guy that I remember who was a male entertainer. He asked me to do promo photos for him, [to] put on the flyer for the bar and stuff. I think it was a turning moment because he wanted to do, oddly enough, cowboy-themed stuff – I can do that. I can definitely do that. A lot of my work had mostly been trial and error self-portraiture, but every once in a while I would get one of those drag queens, or whoever would want to shoot. There were two people – they were drag queens but they wanted to shoot as male. One messaged me. That whole period I was really coming into my own, figuring out what kind of an artist I wanted to be, what my style was. I was posting a bunch of pictures on Facebook and then he messages me – “Do you know who Robert Mapplethorpe is?” – “Of course.” – “ “I want to do this series of photos with the business suit and the dog mask and all that.” The perspective was supposed to be a commentary on corporate greed. I was like, “Okay, sure. Let’s do it.” So, we set up the backdrop in my living room. Set up the lights. Shot for maybe a good, I don’t know, 45 minutes. Just clicking and clicking and going. I got that one photograph that will stay in my portfolio forever because that moment was a click, where I was like ‘this is fantastic’. I think that was really the point where I was like I want to focus, when I can, on this type of… It’s fetish, but then it’s creative at the same time. It was just a weird coming together of where I wanted to go with stuff and what I was wanting to do.
Every once in a while there would be somebody that’s gay that would add me on Facebook and be like ‘Hey I want to do some nudes’. “Sure let’s go – this is my address.” That was a period I really enjoyed – I really found who I was as a creative person, really found my flow and found my niche. I ended up having to move back because me and the guy that I was with broke up. Moving back to Texas, I kind of had to not necessarily give up what I was doing, what I was enjoying…but I had to take a step back, evaluate, refocus and realize that community that I was a part of…I’m no longer part of that. That’s a chapter that closed. I will forever be grateful for that chapter, but it’s time to grow in a new direction. Time to put the cowboy boots back on, try to get back into the dirt and like I said, refocus and find a different road.
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Since the beginning, whenever I couldn’t find a friend that would pose or if I had an idea in the middle of the night to try something, I’d set up the backdrop and do it myself. That’s honestly how I learned. I took the one film class in school, but everything else is pretty much self-taught. Years and years of trial and error. Crying over the computer in the middle of the night because it’s not fucking coming out the way I want. Taking a step back and coming back to that idea later.
But yes, it’s pretty much since the beginning, I am my own best test subject. Believe it or not, I used to be the shyest, quietest kid you’d ever meet. I would not speak up in class. I was very opinionated, but I was not going to share my opinions unless you asked. I was very timid and would always keep to myself — I’m pretty sure my parents thought I was going to be a serial killer at some point because I was so quiet. I actually for years suffered with an eating disorder. I was bulimic for about 15 years. When I graduated high school I was 112 pounds, 6’3”. I was sickly skinny. I went through a really really dark period. That was from about 15 till about maybe two or three years ago – I’ve fought with that for most of my adult life. The depression and anxiety that comes with all of that. But in a way it became almost therapy for me. For me to grow and grow out of that was to be able to force myself to look at myself. So while I’m sitting here saying I am my best test subject, you also have to sit there and stare at yourself for hours on end. When you’re sitting there taking pictures, if something’s not coming out right or, if there’s something that does come out right. I want to save that picture and I’m gonna edit it – that forces you to really look at yourself and sometimes it’s not in a flattering angle. In a way I kind of was self-medicating, if that makes sense. Trying to work through my own struggle with what my passion was. And now I don’t give a fat furry fuck. 2020 happened and had to step back and evaluate a lot of where I was in life. There was a moment where I decided I was gonna quit drinking for a little while. I started eating like a normal human being. I put on a little bit of weight. My partner comes into the bathroom – I’m just getting out of the shower, sitting there staring at myself – and he’s like “you okay?” And I said, “Honestly, yeah.” I’m the happiest I’ve been with myself. I can look in the mirror and I’d be like, “Yeah, I’d fuck you.” I don’t know what moment when it actually clicked, but that was that moment I can sit there and be like, “Yeah, I don’t need to impress anybody.” I don’t give a fuck about impressing people.
VI. Getting It Up.
If we’re talking in a kink and fetish sense, I have a control complex. I like to be the dominant one. It probably sounds really cliche and overplayed, but when I started really diving into the leather, with that came this whole new sense of confidence. Last year, my partner was like-
“Why don’t you go and try and compete for one of these titles?”
“Do you really think that I could do that?”
“Yeah, you’re the most obnoxiously confident person I know.”
“Okay. Babe but literally all I have is the chest harness.”
“If it’s something you want to do I’ll support you.”
I spent so much fucking money on leather pants. Found myself a nice pair of biker boots. Here’s the shit part of doing it– because we live where we live, I can’t just go down to the leather shop because there isn’t any to get a custom cut of leather pants. I have to special order things with my measurements precisely. But when I got all of it together, finally…. Judge me if you will– a lot of my stuff I ordered from Amazon. My biker chaps, my leather jacket, the leather shirt – Amazon. Everything else I got from the Leatherman NYC. Once I got the cap and the tie and I put it all on, stood in the mirror and I was like…I don’t know – part of me wanted to cry cuz I never saw myself in all of it. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt like I was seeing a part of myself that I knew was a little bit there…but was never really able to express itself. So I’m standing there in front of the mirror and he’s like, “Damn, daddy!” And I was like, “Okay, that’s the sign of approval that I’m doing something right.” He’s been very supportive. The most vanilla person I have ever fucking met in the bedroom, but full on supports whatever I want to do in this community. The first time I put on the full uniform, he was like, “OKAY.”
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I think there’s something about confidence that’s very key in everything, whether it’s you going to a job interview or just walking down the street. Me putting on that leather uniform…there was a confidence that I think is sexy as fuck. If you’re confident in everything that you do, that’s hot as fuck. As someone who was not confident for most of his life, I find confidence really, really sexy. Sounds so simple, but it’s actually really hard. You’d be surprised how hard finding confidence every second is.
At this point in my life, like I said, I don’t give a fat furry fuck anymore. I’mma do whatever I want to make me happy. Doing that I think gets me off. I’m not trying to be politically correct anymore. I’m not trying to save people’s feelings. I’m trying to do what’s right…but do it my way, if that makes sense. I’m not trying to censor myself anymore. I think it goes back, in a way, to Mapplethorpe. I thought it was one of the most punk rock things that this dude ever did was had two fucking galleries open the same fucking night. One’s all the fucking fetish and the nasty porn for one community, then down in another gallery it’s all the celebrity portraits and the flowers. I’m to that point where sorry, I’m not going to segregate those things anymore. If you go through my portfolio, it’s probably a little jarring if you were to flip through it all. It’s pictures of my niece and my nephew or the dog or a cactus or a horse or whatever – just the environment that I’m in — flip over and then it’s my dick. Or somebody else’s dick. All those things make up who I am as a person, both aspects of that. What gets me off is the idea I’m just gonna do me. Whatever comes with that and whatever inspires me next.
VII. Keep It Up.
Anybody who does anything artistically or creatively understands there are dry spells where you don’t want to do fucking shit. I go through those all the time where you have to wake up, wash your ass, brush your teeth, go to work, clock in, go through your shift, clock out, go home, take a shower, go to bed. I’m not going to lie for the last almost like, four months I’ve been in one where I’m just kind of like going through the motions trying to survive. But I find inspiration in the things that spark in the back of my head; in weird places whether it’s in movies (me and my partner we’re big Disney and horror fans. So we’ll sit there and watch a Disney movie then put on a slasher film from the 80s). Or I get really inspired by music. I have to have music playing all the fucking time whether I’m at work or if I’m here in the studio trying to just fuck around and try something new. I have to have music going all the time because that sets a vibe. Puts you in a mood. I find inspiration – this is going to sound really stupid when I say — in the things around me. In the environment that I’m in – it could come from the stupidest places. It could literally be from walking down the street and looking at the paint on the brick wall peel, and that could be cool for a photo. Sometimes I’ll have an idea for a photo that’ll be a reference from something and that’ll spark an inspiration, then another spark of inspiration will happen while I’m in the middle of working on it that’ll completely shift. Some things don’t speak to you until you’re in the middle of doing it….
-end-
Author: As told to DRUMMER by Sir Ryan X Darling
Photo Credit: Sir Ryan X Darling