I don’t know why but I’ve always had a thing for men in leather and uniforms.
My desire was awakened after watching Police Academy and my favorite part was when they would venture into the Blue Oyster, which was a leather bar. The scene featured leathermen in full formals dancing the tango. It was from that moment on my obsession with leathermen would begin.
My journey in the leather community started when I was 21 and living in Philly. I spent weekends roaming around the gayborhood and one of my favorite places to go was the Bike Stop. There was something about the seedy nature of this leather bar that drew me in like a moth to a flame. Although I never recalled anything sexually happening there, it always felt like something could happen at any time.
At that age, leather felt intangible to me. I didn’t know anyone in the leather community who could mentor me and I couldn’t afford any gear so I just stayed on the outskirts. This lack of confidence was a major hinderance to my growth as a leather person. Another major factor that kept me on the outskirts was the fact that in many leather spaces I rarely saw other leather folx who looked like me.
I’m not entirely certain as to why there aren’t more Black folx in the leather community. I can only speak for myself but I grew up in a religious household and the church preached a message of sexual purity. There was a great emphasis placed on the role and function of sex (procreation), so any desire to inquire about sex outside of a heterosexual puritanical context was seen as sinful and immoral. I now see how this leads to Black religious people feeling an immense amount of guilt and shame regarding sex which can also lead to people shutting the door on exploring themselves sexually. When I’ve had conversations about kinky sex with vanilla Black folx the most common responses I’ve received have been “that’s nasty,” “that’s racist shit,” and “that’s some white people shit.”
Within the “old guard” tradition being a part of the leather community meant training, mentorship, and being of service in order to obtain gear, skills, and information on how to engage in kinks and fetishes in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual. Being a person of Color in white leather spaces often meant that I was gate-kept out of certain spaces or was completely overlooked. It became common to see many of my white leather friends being asked to run for tittles, join leather clubs, and receive gear and/or mentorship without having to ask anyone for assistance and or guidance. Meanwhile I would attend BDSM play parties and feel invisible or wait for hours in hopes that someone would have time to fit me on their dance card.
It’s my belief that anyone should have the ability to identify as a leather person and have access to mentorship and other resources that will foster growth in their leather journey.
One of the things I’ve come to realize in my leather journey is that being a Dom is the ultimate goal or ideal within the leather community. Early on in my leather journey I began working with a therapist who was also a kinkster, and our work was about helping me understand ways in which you could identify as a leather person. It took me a while to accept that I was a submissive. I would also later come to understand that I was a boy and wanted to be in a Daddy/boy Dom/sub relationship.
What I struggled with the most was having to let go of my own internalized homophobia. I had to dismiss the notion of being less-than because I identify as a submissive. Cis heterosexual people as well as folx within the LGTBQIA+ communities harbor negative views on those who don’t uphold societal ideologies pertaining to masculinity.
Once I was able to accept and embrace myself as a boy my entire life began to open up in new and exciting ways. I was afforded the opportunity to explore BDSM and have spiritually transformative experiences. This process of undoing and unbecoming has been the key to radical self acceptance and self love.
Despite several roadblocks, I’ve kept going in my leather journey. It’s been great to see more people of Color in the community as well as leather clubs and organizations that are specially meant for them. It’s so powerful being able to learn and explore BDSM from people who look like me and who share similar lived experiences. Growing up as a Black boy meant being socialized to be the alpha. When I saw myself reflected in porn it always meant that I was sexually aggressive and dominant. So I’m always having to deal with people wanting me to be in that role and sometimes I can because I do identity as a switch, but there is a lot of rejection I face when leathermen see me flagging hunter green in my back right pocket. That’s why it’s been so important for me to have friendships with other subs of Color because we understand each other and can offer the support that we may not get from our vanilla friends who are not apart of the leather community.
Being a Black sub isn’t easy. There’s constant judgment from people in and out of the leather community. Some leather folx will feel they can treat you however they wish because you are a submissive of Color and they have their own assumptions about what your submission should be or look like. I’ve come to learn and accept it as part of the territory, but what other people think of me is none of my business and I can’t go through life making people comfortable with my existence. Being a sub is a part of who I am and I don’t owe anyone an explanation in order to make them feel more comfortable with my truth. I encourage any sub of color to find support systems where you feel safe to explore this side of yourself. Most importantly, remember that it’s not a race and that it should always be fun.
Author: boy Donald
Photo Credit: Benjamin Fredrickson